I am okay..trust me

Yesterday while on a casual call with my family to wish them well on a happy occasion, I was left with mixed feelings of guilt…and liberation. I felt guilty for not being home, for not sharing their happiness, for not seeing the kids grow up and the adults grow older. I felt guilty for all the occasions I had missed both happy and sad. I felt guilty for every decision that led me to move away from home… That’s how I felt after the call! Prior to that, my day had started by me feeling happy and looking forward to exploring a new city. I was feeling liberated from social obligations and expectations. I was feeling very light…cliché but true. So what happened in the span of a 40 min video call?

What happened was a stream of questions about me and how I was feeling and if everything was okay… What happened was me trying to explain over and over again that everything was good and that all I needed was some well deserved time off. What happened was that I didn’t follow the well traced journey that everyone had in mind for me. While I knew that expectations of conformity were there, I didn’t know how heavy they would feel and how quickly the guilt would set in. What happened was that no one believed me! I was okay…I am okay…

This being away business is not easy but it’s also a choice. It’s a conscious decision that many of us make with a lingering feeling of guilt all along the journey. I chose to move away simply because I was too curious and eager to see new places, meet new people and just be out there. It’s a decision I fully own and hope other people would stop questioning or at least make peace with. Being away isn’t lonely or miserable or sad. Being away is just like being anywhere with a sprinkle of “new” and unknown. It keeps you on your feet and throws excitement and novelty your way once in a while. It’s fun! It taught me so much about myself and most of all taught me to be more tolerant and accepting. It also taught me to make peace with the fact that my loved ones might never get it. That their questions and worries are an act of love and that someday they’ll understand that I am simply okay!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s