If there is one thing I learned since creating this blog is that public commitments don’t do it for me. “Committing” to do something in front of people (Real or virtual) while not committing to do that same thing with myself first is a flawed strategy, for me, and does not generate the expected results. What I am trying to say is that I haven’t blogged for almost three years now and that my plan did not work. This morning on July 13th, 2019, while listening to “Lust & Wonder” by Augusten Burroughs and hearing him describe his first steps in advertising it hit me that I also was going around with a paper bag filled with ideas in the wrong settings and the wrong state of mind. The idea that I wanted to do something versus my readiness to do it and me being at the right place at the right time were completely lost on me. So I am back and this time with no commitment to write everyday or share or inspire but instead with a desire to just be back.
My last post, “Silence”, describes the state of fog that I have been in for the last years and that I am just about starting to come out of. Looking back, I’ve always been a quiet person but that state of silence was completely different. It was like the movie scenes where the character dies or is dying and they are trapped in this transitional state of seeing themselves slip away and not being able to grip onto anything but also being ready to move on. I felt trapped. I felt trapped between waking up and having to fulfill the social obligations bestowed upon me or rather that I bestowed upon myself and wanting to curl up in bed and watch the time tick away while swimming in my own thoughts. The truth is, I haven’t publicly blogged in almost three years but I also haven’t been able to journal or write down anything that comes to my mind. Doing so felt like another thing I just did not want to do. Talking was another one, Getting up, getting dressed, going out.. You get the gist. I am typing this now and it’s so strange seeing these sentences form and come out of my head. So why the change and why now? I think it’s combination of “time heals” and “just do it” attitudes that made their way to my brain thanks to a combination of readings, observations, external help and overall a deep desire to come out of silence. It did not come overnight nor will the transformation occur overnight but I am willing to try. Writing has always been a source of comfort for me. I picked paper notes instead of face to face conversations way before the SMS, Chat, Social Medial era we now live in. Some of my most meaningful exchanges were done via written media and some of my best and worst memories found their way to a journal, email, text note way before they were the subject of a live conversation. In short, I prefer writing in some way or another to speaking. When I am writing, my brain is able to put ideas out there, digest them, process them and make sense out of them. When I am speaking, I don’t feel in control and every ounce of confidence that I have in myself fades away when it comes to deep meaningful topics. I am sure I am not alone in this. So I am back.
I don’t know how long this post will live on the internet but I putting it out there: a message in a bottle to myself. A reminder of how I felt today to tomorrow me.